Friendly Conversation
by Ritt-chan
Summary: "What would you be willing to trade for the flying car?"
1. Chapter 1

_**I don't own Loveless. But I wish I did.**_

* * *

Soubi was bored. So very bored. He hadn't seen Ritsuka in days and he was running out of cigarettes. So, he decided to engage in a little friendly conversation.

* * *

Kio got home a little late that night. "There was a long line at the store," he said.  
"That's fine," Soubi said. "Come sit with me." He patted the spot on the floor beside him.  
Kio happily obliged, taking the 6-pack of beer he'd just gotten with him. Any chance to get close to Soubi was one he wouldn't dare miss out on. Opening a beer he asked, "What did you do while I was gone?"

"I just sat and thought about... stuff," The blonde answered.  
"Oh... cool."

Then Soubi draped one of his long arms around Kio's shoulders. "You know," he paused, taking a drag of his cigarette. "it's times like this it occurs to me that we were lied to by The Jetsons."  
Kio looked up at Soubi, not fully understanding what he was getting at. "What are you talking about?"  
"Well, according to that show, we were supposed to be tooling around in flying cars by now."  
"Oh yeah? Well most of us rational thinkers weren't banking on a cartoon to offer us a viable glimpse into the future of technological development."

Soubi smiled a small smile. And Kio knew he'd pretty much disregarded what he'd just said. "Hey. What would you trade for the flying car?"  
Kio sighed, finishing off his beer and opening another one. He had a feeling it was going to be a long night. But, nonetheless, he was willing to play this game with Soubi. "What do you mean?"  
"I mean, say some German scientist comes up to you and he says, 'I have invented the flying car, I'll give it to you on one condition'."  
"Well, what's the condition?"  
"He's not just gonna tell ya!"  
"Well then it's no deal," Kio said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Kio! The guy is offering you the _flying car_! You don't look a gift horse in the mouth! Just take the car, man!" Soubi half shouted.  
_Why is he so insistent? It's not like I'm actually getting a flying car._ Kio thought. "Not until I know what the catch is!"  
Soubi sighed loudly and obnoxiously with another long drag from the cigarette. "Fine! ... The catch is you've gotta cut off a foot."  
"Pffft! No way!" The green-haired man shouted.  
"What? Are you saying you wouldn't cut off your foot for the flying car? You're that selfish?" Soubi asked, crossing his arms in mock annoyance.

"Sou-chan, it's my foot! How am I supposed to walk?"  
"Walk? You'll have the flying car! After that you could buy, like, _50_ prosthetic feet!"  
"Well, which foot? Right or left?"  
Soubi shrugged. "Your choice."  
"Okay, I'll trade my left foot for the flying car." Kio decided.  
"So it's a deal then. Your foot for the flying car. You're sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure."  
"You can't welsh."  
"I won't welsh!"  
"Because the whole world is counting on you."

Kio cocked his head to the side, wondering why 'the whole world was counting on him'. But he simply brushed it aside and instead asked, "What the hell kind of scientist is this guy anyway?"  
"One with a lot of time on his hands." Soubi answered, putting his cigarette out in nearby ashtray. "And a foot fetish." He added. After grabbing a beer, Soubi continued. "So, then you find out the guy's gonna take off your foot with a hacksaw-"

"Aw, what?!" Kio interrupted.  
"And no anesthetic." Soubi finished.  
"Screw that!" Kio yelled.  
"Come on, it's a part of the deal." The taller said, smugly.  
"But you didn't say that before!"  
"Oh, come on! It only hurts when they're takin' the foot off. After that, they'll use a local on your stump and corduroys to cover the wound."

Kio wasn't sure if that was supposed to make him feel better or worse. And he didn't want to ask. And, though he'd probably never admit it, he_was_ having fun. Even if the conversation was a little... strange.

"Well why can't I have the local _before_ he cuts it off?!"  
"Because. _He_ is a sick degenerate, that likes to inflict pain."

_Hm... Sounds a lot like that guy Soubi trained with._ Kio thought. _What the heck was his name? Was he German?_

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**_[Welch/welch= another word for backing out of something.] More reviews mean faster updates... usually._**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Here's the rest of... whatever the heck this is. I think this can be deemed a crackfic. Oh well. Enjoy!**_

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"You said he was a man of science!" Kio protested.  
"Oh please!" Soubi scoffed, sipping at his drink. "You don't think Einstein liked hacking people's feet off, but nobody ever said anything because he was one of the greatest thinkers of our time? But come on, Kio! Take the hit for the team! It's a few seconds of pain for a lifetime of riches and zero traffic!" He smiled at the end of his mini rant.

"Fine! Just as long as I get the local as soon as he's done cutting."  
"So you want the local?" The blonde asked, a slender brow raised.  
"Yes! I just said I want the freaking local!"  
Soubi chuckled darkly. "Alright," he said, lowering his raised eyebrow.  
Kio hesitated before asking, he had a feeling that he didn't want to know the answer to the question he was about to ask. "What did you say it like that for?"

"Ehh... It's just that, well, the local he gives you knocks you out. And, uhh, diddles your peni." Soubi laughed, imagining his friend in such a situation. He really needed to smoke.  
"Oh come on!" Kio basically shrieked in frustration.  
"Don't yell at me. You made the deal."  
"Yeah, to trade my foot for the flying car! Not be tortured and molested by some German scientist-"  
"And his friends." Soubi interjected, finishing off the slightly bitter beverage and grabbing another.  
"W-What?!" The slightly shorter stuttered, his words slurred from drinking.  
"Yeah, it's just that once he's done with ya he gives his friend a shot at ya too."

"Deal's off!" Kio yelled.  
"What, are you some kind of homophobe?" Soubi inquired.  
"NO! I just don't wanna be diddled by some insane German scientist and his friends, after they've hacked my foot off!"  
"Need I remind you that this is for the flying car?"  
"It' ain't worth it!"

Soubi sighed, running a hand through his blonde hair. "See? You're what's wrong with this country, hell, with this world! You're always thinkin' about your own comfort level. Never thinkin' about the rest of us. And you'll forever be remembered as the sad little footnote in the book of life. The wimpy little scum bag who could've breached the chasm of becoming, and being, but instead, opted to cover his own ass, and foot, in the process."

"ALRIGHT!" Kio finally screeched. "I'll go through, with the deal. I'll let the German scientist hack my foot off, then he and his friends can have their way with me, _all for the flying car_!"

Then there was a silence. A stiff, dead, uncomfortable, eerie air. Kio froze under Soubi's seemingly blank gaze.

But, thank goodness, Soubi ended the quietness before Kio could go completely insane.

"You would do it with a bunch of guys just to get a car?" He stood and looked down at the other male. "I thought I knew you man." And with that, he left. Off to buy a pack of smokes.

While Kio sat in his spot on the floor, mouth agape, eyes wide, and his brain still twisted up from the conversation he'd just had. He looked down at his left foot. It suddenly meant so much more to him now.

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_**If you don't review, you'll get tortured and molested by a German scientist. Just sayin'! ~xoxo~**_


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